i’m so tired of living “here” …
Everyone who is mentally healthy has fears. Having fear is natural and, in many ways, good for us. Fear keeps us from making mistakes that can harm us. Most fears, it seems, are learned. We aren’t born knowing not to touch the hot eye of a stove. We learn it through the pain of experience. We learn not to step off a cliff … possibly by simply tripping off a curb. And we learn not to show people our hearts …. through the experience of being ridiculed or rejected by someone who got to peek inside to our tender, real places.
Once my husband left me, I had the opportunity to quit focusing on trying to change myself to try to fix our marriage.
And I was free to relax and be myself again ….
… the full-of-life, whimsical, untraditional, spontaneous, creative person that I am.
After twenty-five years of “couple” training and “submissive wife” indoctrination that I somehow twisted to hear “please him – don’t be yourself,”
it has been a very, very, very slow turning around.
But, last year, I began to notice
that when I was asked, “Why don’t you __________________?” …
I often answered with a statement that began, “Because I am afraid that _________________.”
And then I noticed that my fears
were almost always “fear of what someone will say or think about me.”
No. More accurately, they were a.l.w.a.y.s fear of what someone would say.
I began to realize just how paralyzed I live my life.
And God began to put one reminder after another
in front of me in a way that
There were bumper stickers put into my line of vision.
and a woman’s magazine at the dentist office.
The tag inside a gorgeous, earthen paisley shirt whispered … “no fear” … mounted to wings.
There are a F.E.W words that my mind can.not remember how to spell. I spelled “calendar” with an “er” for decades! I still can’t tell you with confidence if vacuum has a single or a double letter c or u. And the word afraid …. looks better with two of the letters t. But, to help me remember, I wrote it on my mirror well over a year ago (you can tell that it’s been a while because my mirror is dirty in that corner!) The word afraid has one f. To help me remember, I made a note that “the ‘f’ is alone.”
That appears to be the root of my fears: rejection.
So, I try to appease …
to please …
and often that means being someone I’m not
in order to make someone else happy.
I want to dig deep on this subject
because it literally
steers my life.
How about you?
What do you fear?
I’d love to hear your thoughts.