I’ve really struggled over the past few years. I’ve been very still and very hidden.
If I don’t move, I won’t be noticed.
If I don’t speak, no one will argue with me.
If I don’t write/photograph/share/blog, I cannot be attacked.
N.o.n.e of those tactics proved to be effective, but I continued try to make them work.
During this time, I had a completely, devastating realization about relationships. One small remark (that I mentioned here) really changed my perspective of how I see others and gave me an unwanted realization of how others see me.
The words were simple and quick …
but they completely, fully and totally pulled the rug out from under my life.
The person who spoke them has no idea that they literally changed my life.
Before the move from my mortgaged, large home of ten years to a smaller home I am renting, the stress of being in charge of everything was daunting. Knowing that I was fully responsible for anything that broke, cracked or failed in the house and that I had absolutely no buffer of money and limited repair skills kept me tense.
I am finally covered with medical insurance. I have been covered my entire life … but my divorce meant a severing of that protection. With my new policy has come the ability to have a recent CT scan to compare to the one I had last year while hospitalized. It that showed that the undiagnosable sack on my lung … has not grown over the last year. WHAT a relief.
It is not gone. But, it has not grown.
And watching my sweet, beautiful van slowly become feeble kept me from traveling. In the past three years, I’ve taken just a few trips. None of those were in my vehicle. I have made some wonderful memories, but I have had no “camping therapy” at all … because I couldn’t drive more than thirty minutes from home.
I’m working through the friendship devastation.
I have moved from the house.
I am covered medically. If I have a catastrophic illness, I am covered.
And I have a new-to-me vehicle.
As these things have changed, I am feeling the relief.
I have felt the calm within my soul during the storm
as my Savior kept my boat steady, but the waters were tumultuous
and the wind blew wildly fierce.
Without warning, the gale would change direction
or a new obstacle would arise.
It has been hard, but graciously strengthening.
But of late, I am feeling slightly better.
With the changes in life’s situation have come this wisp of energy
to adventure out farther, reach out just a little and explore.
Saturday was spent at a picnic with some church friends. We shared fried chicken, pasta salads and all sorts of fresh fruit. We watched six beautiful souls step into the lake and be “buried with Christ” and arise soaked from head to toe, praising God for the symbol of new life, Holy Spirit power and renewal through baptism.
After the baptisms, I walked the edge of the lake to find solitude and treasures.
I came across beautiful sticks that drew my admiration, but I had no way to collect them. When a friend mentioned he was going back to the lake to fish Sunday morning, I asked if I could tag along and forage for wood while he spent time casting his reel.
We arrived before sun up and got the boat on the water just in time to watch orange ripple on the water.
The water was slick like glass
and clear enough to see the sandy topography below.
It was wonderful. It was soothing, therapeutic and cleansing.
And the memory will go with me through the week
of soft ripples, cool water, good conversation and a renewed interest in traversing.
Sometimes we adventure, explore and fellowship.
Sometimes we sit still, gather our thoughts and process.
No matter where you are in your walk through this life,
embrace the place.
I embraced my time of retreat while life felt out-of-control stormy
and I am thankful to be transitioning to a place with more ease of spirit.
I am so happy to have started my week with a morning
paddling about on calm, still water.
Enjoy the beauty while it is present. Bask in serenity when it is available.
Because … we truly never know what storm may be around the corner.
Still water makes me happy.
What makes you happy this marvelous Monday morning?