My desire

I want to please him.
For years, I have wanted to please him.
I deeply desire that
he forgive me for the things I’ve done that hurt him…
I yearn for him to look at me with love…
longing….
desire.

I long for a tender, loving touch….
that he laugh at the things that I do …
that he find my quirks amusing …
rather than irritating
and my aging skin
still beautiful in his eyes.

I wish he had a longing in his eyes
that says he wants to be alone with me…
that he prefers my company
and my full attention.

Oh, that he would fancy me
find me striking
stunning
beautiful
charming
lovely
delightful
perfect to him
and perfect for him.

I want so much for him to be thankful
for the things I have done for him.
I want him to take notice
and appreciate.
It would take more than a simple “thank you”
in passing
to convey the depth of this deep a gratitude.

I long for him to grope for words
search for phrases
sift through thoughts
searching for a way to say thank you
for the hours
weeks
months
years of time
I have invested in his flesh,
his blood,
his children.

I want to be the one that he thinks about
day and night.
I want to be the one that he misses
when I step away.
I simply want to be wanted.

Of late,
I have come
to realize
that
I am…

not by him
but much more importantly
by Him.

There is this void
created by God
that can only be filled by God
and we try to fill it
with everything and everyone
except God.
I praise Him
for showing me this
in a new way.
May I truly allow Him
to be my all.

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10 thoughts on “My desire

  1. Karen, I can remember as a teenager, I would have dreams of being wanted by the most popular boy in school or the most famous rock star of the time. I would picture myself walking into an event on his arm and then everyone would see me. I realize now that what I wanted was for everyone to see I had value. If I had the best guy everyone would see that I was valuable. It was not about him, it was about my needs. Then in walked my Savior and most of the time no one knows how valuable I am or how much He values me, but He shows me everyday in many, many different ways. I now realize that if the world’s finest men laid their selves at my feet in full view of everyone, I still would not feel as valuable as I do being loved by my Savior who loves me where no one sees.

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  2. Psalm 27:13-14 I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
    Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

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    1. Yes, He is good.
      When this realization hit me last year,
      I felt such relief.
      No longer did I worry if my husband “liked” me….
      as long as I knew that I was pleasing the Lord,
      I felt peace and contentment in being “me.”
      It was such a contrast
      to the “faint heartedness” that I had experienced
      ….truly … for years.

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    1. Bev, you should try your hand at it. You might be surprised. You expressed yourself well in your email – I think you could do it 😀

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