Do you hear … who I am?

Recently, someone told me that I sound “woe is me” here on my blog.  He told me that I sound like I think I am “holier than thou.” As I’ve come back to read now and then, I’ve thought about my writing style and how it is diametrically opposite to the person you would see if you met me in person or overheard me from one aisle over at the grocery store. And I never really thought about it until someone drew my attention to it.

And so, I realized that I really don’t know what you think!!! When you read this blog, you might think that I am quiet and speak in parables or poetry. There are posts that are poetic in nature. I don’t know, you might think that I sing hymns at meals and  use words like “thou” or “thus” often.  Or maybe that I have a sing/song voice that would lull little children to sleep.

Wow.  Nothing could be further from the truth. And maybe this isn’t what you gather when you read, but I wonder about the impression I give. What do you hear? What do you think? … in reality:
I STRUGGLE with disrepectful, cheeky, flippant  sarcasm.  It comes much too easily from my mouth.
I flitter from topic to topic.  My mind races … there just isn’t enough time to do all I want … or say all I need.
I really don’t talk a lot at home. There is SO much noise and talking from the other three bodies under my roof, that I listen and answer more than I question and share. I think about God throughout my day, looking for His ideas, presence, principles and direction, but, like I said, I don’t actually talk that much about it.  But, I’m thinking about it …… pondering, searching, skimming, scanning.

And, I am WE are loud.  I often wonder what the neighbors think.  Surely they  hear us through the 2×4’s, dry wall, insulation,  brick and wide expanse of yard between our home and theirs. We tease and laugh and cut up.  My youngest squeals as my oldest chases her, to catch her, hold her down, and tickle her. My dramatic youngest turns up the volume at least once a week with tears, fears, or intensity.  She can get worked up over being asked to empty the dishwasher, spying a roach or being impaled by a thorn.  And my middle, well… she and I are just plain, all-around-loud.

But then, I wonder:  would you, could you match Dr. Seuss books with Theodor S. Geisele’s everyday speaking voice? If peering through a looking glass, would you see  Lewis Carroll with an Alice in Wonderland manuscript?  Would George Lucas use the phrase, “May the force be with you?” in everyday conversation??   Probably not.  Then, maybe it’s okay that I write in a style that is at least slightly different than the person you would talk to at a potluck social?

Mostly, I just want to make sure that you know that I know I’m a broken vessel, but I’m searching for The Healer. I know that I’m not “holier than thou,” but I yearn for The Holy One. My home isn’t always peaceful and pleasant, but I draw near to the Prince of Peace and His pleasant riches.

Real. Honest. Transparent.  These are trendy words. But, they’re who I desire and strive to be.
Just know that the words that stream from my keyboard
are dramatically different from the words that spill from my mouth.
And, after giving it some thought,
I am perfectly content with that.

Both are the real me.


One thought on “Do you hear … who I am?

  1. They say inside each of us is three people:
    Who we think we are
    Who others think we are
    Who we really are.
    Perhaps blogging adds another layer: who we WISH we were.
    I can totally relate to this!


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