I tell you, I almost can’t go there.
My morning ritual used to be … for years …. ritual.
With steaming cup in hand …. coffee and warm sweet creamer,
I would sit down with my computer and pull up four tabs:
email, facebook, this blog, and aholyexperience.
But now … Ann’s community (www.aholyexperience.com) is so wide and deep
from her wonderful book
One Thousand Gifts
that I almost can’t bear to visit.
I’ve mentioned that I began to struggle reading
because her life was mine … it was like mine at one point:
legos, pencils, books, stray socks and shoes, laundry ….
the desire to start dinner losing
to the need for an afternoon nap …
children. noise. clatter. interruptions.
I read ….
She says: “A dare to live fully … right where you are.”
I hear and see: “A dare to live fully in the midst of homeschooling with a house full of children and a husband on a farm.”
She pours out her soul through clicking keys on a keyboard … she struggles day to day.
I read and mourn my loss
of those same straining struggles that pulled me, wooed me … drew me to Him
but that felt right because they fit with the picture of women in the Bible …
at least those described in Bible study, taught from the pulpit and discussed with friends.
When I became a single mom, it was hard to read.
But, now, she has so many followers that apply the links
to their beautiful pages.
They share their gifts
and many … if not most …. of homeschooling.
And I don’t see myself.
I’m invisible there.
I am not represented.
Where do I fit in?
And if they click over to read my page,
if they wonder,
“Why are you here?
Your child is in public school.
Maybe … even
“You can’t be Godly.”??
The only similarity is that
my life, like theirs,
is woven together with threads of grace.
I spent twenty-five years asking God to mold my life into the picture that He wanted
and to f.o.r.m that vision in my head.
I begged Him to allow me to see what He wanted
and teach me how to do what I should
to bless, build up and help my husband.
I set aside. I dug deeper. I gave up. I relinquished.
And now …
that picture painted with words through scripture
doesn’t describe the world in which I live.
Can I be the Proverbs 31 woman?
Not at all.
Verse ten begins: “Who can find a virtuous wife?”
It’s one thing to
It is yet another to totally dislike the new one.
It reminds me of going shopping for a formal event. I read up about the event. I know where it will be, the etiquette expected, the type of music that will play, how I will get there, how long it will last and the depth of the honor of being invited. I head out shopping, with my date along to help me, and have a really good idea of what I would like my dress to look like. But, when I get there, I find that I don’t get to choose my dress. I am given an outfit that I do not want. It doesn’t fit the way I think it should … the way that seems fitting for the occasion. It doesn’t look the way that I want. And it certainly isn’t flattering. There are many others who have something similar, but I know that it’s not what this formal event requires. But, I must attend. And I must wear what I’ve been given. And I attend … dateless.
I walk in thanks.
I look for Him.
and I see Him.
Day in ; day out.
The Father of all
who is Holy and Right and Just
He knows where I walk
and what is to come.
The Christ, my brother who came to save me from the mire
He stands before He who is Holy
and provides entrance to the throne.
The Holy Spirit, who lives, moves, stirs within me
and is that voice in the still
a light in the darkness
my direction when I’ve lost my way.
All this to say, I’m still really struggling
with what life “should” look like.
I’m going through the motions,
but I feel like I still have no direction.
I have no idea what things SHOULD look like
only what they DO look like.
There must be a way to find contentment and beauty where I am
and a vision for where I am going.
Lord, show me.