When we travel, before I crank the van, I pray over the van and pull up directions. I use the gps on my iPhone WITH a Garmin gps as a backup to direct me. Often, the two give me conflicting directions. I have enough trouble moving from Point A to Point B WITHOUT conflicting directions.
Before leaving Atlanta a few weeks ago, Stone asked me how I would travel home. I admitted that I wouldn’t know until I entered my address into the gps. He requested that I go ahead and see which directions might come up. As soon as he saw the results, he began to verbally explain to me another route. I am good with “turn right at the first light…..,” but thereafter, I am lost. I have no direction-instruction-memory. So, he asked for a sheet of paper from my backpack and began to write.
With the van door swept open wide, his right leg lifted to create a stable writing surface, he began to write.
Joy and Jet were in the street … Joy practicing ollies and on her skate board …. Jet screaming back and forth on his bicycle, making tight turns with each return in our direction.
As Stone wrote, he spoke … explaining turn by turn.
But, the words are useless. They are like latin to me. They are a foreign language. I know this. It is not new for me. I can follow turn-by-turn directions AS I drive, but they are useless when given verbally ahead of time.
So, I don’t listen …
rather I choose to kiss his neck
there in the drive
with children zooming by …
God and everybody watching
leaves of fall gently falling on the drive … the yard … the walkway.
I am not inappropriate. I am quiet and still.
I am not touching him in a way that I should not.
The children may see, but I am prudent.
I care about this man.
Soon, I will drive away …
and I will miss him.
I want to be still and remember him …
the touch of his skin, his breathing, his voice ….
Stone’s words when we F.I.R.S.T decided to camp together were
“Let’s don’t mess this up with sex” ….
both of us well aware that there is risk involved
in some relationships
if the parameters aren’t detailed from the start.
He put bluntly
what I thought delicately.
Long before Stone and I reconnected,
but after our failed marriages
we both made individual vows before the Lord that we would do everything within our power
to remain pure until that time that we re-marry … IF we re-marry.
I know that I cling to 1 Corinthians 10:11.
If God will save me from myself by throwing popcorn on the floor when I am eating
but know that I am not hungry ….
or if He allows Glory to drop a box of cereal when she is disobeying ….
SURELY He will provide a way out, should I allow myself to be in a position to be tempted sexually.
If I have asked Him for help and yearn for that deeply … but allow myself to venture to a place
that I do not realize, in my naiveté, there is danger,
I trust that He will shake me and get my attention
and provide me a way out …
at least offer it.
Because he is self-disciplined and focused, he does not seem to notice me there.
I want to be irresistible … but find that I am not.
I want to make him weak …. weak-kneed and tender towards me …
I want him to miss me.
He continues to write and speak.
I say, “I want to make you weak.”
I do not mean sexually,
but surely my timing was inappropriate.
Without a blink … without hesitation or thought
he quotes scripture.
“Greater is He who is in me, than he who is in the world.”
And I am emotionally thrown to the ground
my heart rightly pierced through and through
and in admiration
as I again wonder
“How is it that I am so blessed
to call this man ‘friend’?”
My words and actions did not line up with my heart’s intent or my verbalized conviction
when viewed through Stone’s eyes.
I am learning that the physical line that I draw in the sand
allows too much leeway for a man.
No one has ever taught me this.
How does one know, lest they are taught?
I am thankful …
for a man who walks his talk ….
a man of integrity, strength and self-discipline.
Praise be to God.
. . . . . . . .
Note: This post is a follow up for the one above.