I don’t trust myself

I’ve mentioned before that my skin is dry … v.e.r.y dry.
As winter settles in and the humidity in our southern air is completely nonexistent,
my skin has returned to its hibernation mode. I work hard to stay supple.
But, my efforts can only be so successful. I am working against nature.
As I bathed this morning, I thought again about being afraid for Stone to touch me …
hold my hand or see my legs when I wear a skirt to church …
My skin is less than inviting … not as soft and smooth as summer.

This is just one of my thoughts of all the different ways that I can dream up
for Stone to reject me.
I wish I could blot out these ideas.

I find myself picking up the phone to call Della more often than in the past. I talk to Stone or visit him and there comes this *scratches head* wondering moment when I question if what I’m hearing or seeing is “normal”  … his comments or actions being very “testosterone powered” … something I am quite unaccustomed to hearing or seeing.   At times, Jeff is close by to add weight and validity to the discussion. Della and Jeff  have been married long enough that they have worked out the kinks. And Della has lived with three different levels of testosterone for years. She has a 21 year old son, a 17 year old son and a she’s been a lover, helper, partner to Jeff for going on twenty-five years. She’s honest with me and will tell me if I need to relax and “breathe” or
….. run away.
So far, I haven’t gotten the “run away” speech … about Stone.

In a conversation last night, I found myself telling her that I wouldn’t be crushed if Stone walked away.
The more I think about it, the more odd that sounds. Shouldn’t I be upset? Wouldn’t it be natural to
be deeply wounded?

This morning, as I thought about yesterday’s conversation and my confession,
I realized that the reason I wouldn’t be upset
is because I still expect it.

Not so long ago, I wrote Stone a long note
In part, I said,
“I still remember back a few visits ago.
I thought I should write out a list of all the things about me that are “yukky” …
all those things that the other men in my life didn’t like
because I’m so afraid that one day … you’ll get close enough
that you’ll find that the things that you see
aren’t as desirable as you thought
and, like them, you won’t want me any more.
It’s hard. Even as I write, tears roll down my cheeks
as I type these thoughts.
But these aren’t wounds that you have created ….
yet God is using you to help me learn to trust again.
I don’t know why I trust you … but I do.
May I ask you …. please? Please be careful with me?”

There is that word. It comes up often with Stone ….
he and I both unsure of how to walk it out in realtime.
Sometimes I feel like I am walking through an obstacle course
I’m not sure where to put my foot next ….
or how to keep my balance.
“Is that right? How am I doing? Am I going to trip and fall?”

And the truth is, I trust God to care for me if He
or Stone
choose for our friendship to end.
And I trust God to take care of our friendship if it continues.
For the most part, I trust Stone to continue to be a good man
and not turn on me.
The one that I don’t trust … in this triangle … is me.

I wonder how long it will take for these wounds to heal. Will I always be in this place of struggle? Surely not. But, could it take years? And … why can’t I simply acknowledge that these ideas are prompts from the enemy. In accepting this idea, wouldn’t I then have to step out in faith and claim trust in God’s design and redemption …
acknowledging that I am, indeed, “good enough.”

Stone tells me to “Be myself.”
I have absolutely no struggles in this area with any.body else.
in a male/female relationship that involves a deeper emotional level
than simple friendship,
I can’t seem to claim my footing.

This is a tough one. But, I am confessing it publicly so that I have to look at the issue. I am shining a light on it that I might claim victory over this self-doubt. And, if I am here, I know others are as well. Have you been in this place? Have you found victory?  Would you be willing to share your struggles or your triumph?

As always, thanks for reading and sharing this space with me. You richly bless me with your presence.

4 thoughts on “I don’t trust myself

  1. Hi you dear dear person….I always enjoy reading your thoughts…
    FIRST OF ALL, let me say first that I LOVE this picture of you and “Stone”!!!! : ) !!!
    You both look so happy. : )

    Next, so strange, I was thinking of this very thought yesterday too…
    This past weekend “D” had a bonfire. It was great. His sister was there too. We talked some, and I told her of how “D” does not want to get married. Ever. And how this affected me.
    When I was first divorced, I knew I probably wanted to get married again one day. I wanted to see what it felt like to be married to someone who REALLY loved me…Second marriages often have a better quality, just for the stuff each has learned…
    To know that “D” doesn’t want this was unsettling at first, but I heard myself telling his sister that it didn’t matter to me anymore, and that I was happy for every day I had with him…
    Then yesterday I found myself thinking, “Is that true? Will I always be happy to just be…sort of…well, like we are?” Or is it that I am so used to disappointment of sorts, of not being really “wanted” that I let this suffice? I am still asking myself this question..
    But I have gotten so used to the idea that he does NOT want this, that I don’t know what I would do if he turned around…Kinda sad, I guess. I have pulled away some, just enough to not be hurt too much…

    No conclusions on that one, I will let you know. But there was another part of this I want to address….SINCE you asked…if anyone has been through something like this…

    And I have.
    Confident that only your friends will read this, and no one that knows me, let me just say that I was TOTALLY rejected by my husband before he left. After our last child was born, (17 years ago) he had very little to do with me. And in fact, he said that sex.was.disgusting.to.him. Yeah, talk about feeling rejected. I cried all the time, and the last two years I slept on the sofa because it hurt too much to sleep next to a man who couldn’t stand the “feel of my foot against his”…(Whew! Tears…even now!)
    Flash forward at least 15 years and I KNOW now, the problem wasn’t me. Well, I knew before that, (long story), but the words said, the carelessness of hurting my feelings, the worst things anyone could ever say to me, and yes, I have felt that kind of crushing rejection from someone I THOUGHT loved me….
    I was crushed, I tried, I prayed, I read books, I got another job,I volunteered at shelters, I went to counseling, I made new friends, went back to school, ANYTHING to try to understand, or to “get a life!” like he said I needed to do…
    I even wished I could just. d.i.e.
    When I finally said that maybe I should move out, his words were, “You’re too weak and needy to ever live on your own…”
    I did live on my own. And I did pretty well. It’s still a struggle sometimes, but it’s ok!
    Then I met “D”. He is so great. AND YEARS later, divorced almost six years, that former spouse wants me back. Asked me, “What happened to us?”
    Really? What happened to “US”???

    What I’m trying to say is, it wasn’t “me”. It WASN’T that I wasn’t good enough, or didn’t do this or that well enough, or wasn’t pretty enough, or skinny enough, or whatever….It was him. Really. Something he was ‘going through’ at the time. (That lasted for years)
    It wasn’t ME, JUST LIKE it wasn’t YOU!!!!! YOU WERE GOOD ENOUGH! YOU were probably MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU are a MARVELOUS human being!!!! AND YOU, KAREN, WERE GOOD.
    (more tears)

    I could go on with what’s happened since, but what I wanted to say would lose it’s meaning in writing more…
    Don’t look for approval in his eyes, even past approval, or what he said in the past. It is not who you are, and chances are, he didn’t even mean it. You have said that he has said he didn’t love you. I have been wanting to tell you that that is probably not true. He is the one confused, and maybe even hurt himself.
    If you can, try to forgive him for the mean things he has said and done, but might not have meant to do (But may not see that for a while), and KNOW that YOU are GREAT. And go on. One day you will see. You have so much to give, and “Stone” is a lucky man who SEES that, and GETS IT!

    Lucky you! : ) Enjoy that love!



  2. Well, feel silly. It seems that there is a way some who know my previous husband could have possibly read this. I hope not. For his sake. And I didn’t mean that it was ALL him…I made mistakes…But it was not ALL me…Ya know?
    And for a long time, I took all the blame, and thought that I just wasn’t good enough…
    Don’t do that to yourself, WHOEVER is reading. Learn from my mistakes, and know that people say things…They don’t always mean it.
    Ok, no more writing, I promise!!


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