I don’t trust myself

I’ve mentioned before that my skin is dry … v.e.r.y dry.
As winter settles in and the humidity in our southern air is completely nonexistent,
my skin has returned to its hibernation mode. I work hard to stay supple.
But, my efforts can only be so successful. I am working against nature.
As I bathed this morning, I thought again about being afraid for Stone to touch me …
hold my hand or see my legs when I wear a skirt to church …
My skin is less than inviting … not as soft and smooth as summer.

This is just one of my thoughts of all the different ways that I can dream up
for Stone to reject me.
I wish I could blot out these ideas.

I find myself picking up the phone to call Della more often than in the past. I talk to Stone or visit him and there comes this *scratches head* wondering moment when I question if what I’m hearing or seeing is “normal”  … his comments or actions being very “testosterone powered” … something I am quite unaccustomed to hearing or seeing.   At times, Jeff is close by to add weight and validity to the discussion. Della and Jeff  have been married long enough that they have worked out the kinks. And Della has lived with three different levels of testosterone for years. She has a 21 year old son, a 17 year old son and a she’s been a lover, helper, partner to Jeff for going on twenty-five years. She’s honest with me and will tell me if I need to relax and “breathe” or
….. run away.
So far, I haven’t gotten the “run away” speech … about Stone.

In a conversation last night, I found myself telling her that I wouldn’t be crushed if Stone walked away.
The more I think about it, the more odd that sounds. Shouldn’t I be upset? Wouldn’t it be natural to
be deeply wounded?

This morning, as I thought about yesterday’s conversation and my confession,
I realized that the reason I wouldn’t be upset
is because I still expect it.

Not so long ago, I wrote Stone a long note
In part, I said,
“I still remember back a few visits ago.
I thought I should write out a list of all the things about me that are “yukky” …
all those things that the other men in my life didn’t like
because I’m so afraid that one day … you’ll get close enough
that you’ll find that the things that you see
aren’t as desirable as you thought
and, like them, you won’t want me any more.
It’s hard. Even as I write, tears roll down my cheeks
as I type these thoughts.
But these aren’t wounds that you have created ….
yet God is using you to help me learn to trust again.
I don’t know why I trust you … but I do.
May I ask you …. please? Please be careful with me?”

“Trust”
There is that word. It comes up often with Stone ….
he and I both unsure of how to walk it out in realtime.
Sometimes I feel like I am walking through an obstacle course
blindfolded.
I’m not sure where to put my foot next ….
or how to keep my balance.
“Is that right? How am I doing? Am I going to trip and fall?”

And the truth is, I trust God to care for me if He
or Stone
choose for our friendship to end.
And I trust God to take care of our friendship if it continues.
For the most part, I trust Stone to continue to be a good man
and not turn on me.
The one that I don’t trust … in this triangle … is me.

I wonder how long it will take for these wounds to heal. Will I always be in this place of struggle? Surely not. But, could it take years? And … why can’t I simply acknowledge that these ideas are prompts from the enemy. In accepting this idea, wouldn’t I then have to step out in faith and claim trust in God’s design and redemption …
acknowledging that I am, indeed, “good enough.”

Stone tells me to “Be myself.”
I have absolutely no struggles in this area with any.body else.
But,
in a male/female relationship that involves a deeper emotional level
than simple friendship,
I can’t seem to claim my footing.

This is a tough one. But, I am confessing it publicly so that I have to look at the issue. I am shining a light on it that I might claim victory over this self-doubt. And, if I am here, I know others are as well. Have you been in this place? Have you found victory?  Would you be willing to share your struggles or your triumph?

As always, thanks for reading and sharing this space with me. You richly bless me with your presence.