“I got this”

It was 5:00 a.m. on Saturday when I logged onto Facebook and saw a status update from Claire mentioning her sadness that she wouldn’t be able to attend her husband’s first road race.

There it was.
A 5k that I could run …
close by and soon.

I’ve been running (again) since last February.
(Almost a year!! *throws glitter in the air* Yay!!)
I run  ….. almost …..   everyday.
I don’t run fast … or far. But, I move.
In fact, I was pretty confident that my average speed
is around 10.5 to 11 minute miles.
Not fast … but consistent for me
and better than my speed if I spent my mornings sitting on the couch.

I also go to the gym a few days a week. I’m probably in better physical condition than I have been in a long time. I still have weight to lose (two or three 5lb bags of sugar that I carry around my waist), but I am consistently working to improve my physical health. I do not have health insurance since my divorce and know that caring for my body is incredibly important. I certainly feel better emotionally when I rev up my system each day. Endorphins are our friends!!

So, Saturday morning, I knew I had time
to get ready and head over to the canal for the event.
I already knew my goal: run without stopping.

Because, typically, on the two days a week when I tackle the three-mile stretch, I almost.always walk two times. I only walk for a bit. I try to walk no farther than the length of one person’s yard. I’ve been able to work to a point that I walk less and less. Improvement is the weekly focus.

The morning was perfect. We had nice weather with almost a hundred runners participating.

I tried to pace myself. Because I wasn’t on my everyday run course, I wasn’t sure if I would run at my average speed. If I ran too fast, I would  wear myself out before the end of the affair, and thus, not be able to make my goal. I tried to focus on running a comfortable pace – especially for this race. It’s been several years since I’ve run in an event so I knew I wanted to reach my goal: finish without stopping.

The event went well. Even at the half-way point, I was feeling pretty good.

I was able to run the entire 5k miles without stopping at all. I even managed to sprint just a bit at the end. My time was 35.10, which is close to the time I usually spend on the street when I run the three-mile loop during the week at my house. I was satisfied … pleased, even!

When I got home, I pulled out my conversion chart. I had forgotten that a 5k is 3.10 miles. I did the division and found that
my time
per mile was 11.32.
*palm to forehead*

Well … my course at home isn’t perfectly mapped. I used the car to try to figure out the distance. And some of the time I walk a small part of my course. I stop my watch then … so it’s not perfectly accurate for timing my pace to the distance. I’m thinking all these things through …  and talking to my Joy Bucket after I worked the conversion
explaining to her that I am quite dismayed ….
when my lip started to quiver.

I was so angry
and disappointed.

I was angry because I have been working so hard
and found that I was less than I thought.
And I was disappointed
because I had believed in my puffed up idea.

Or maybe,

I was disappointed because I have been working so hard
and found that I was less than I thought.
And I was angry
because I had believed in my puffed up idea.

Either way, I teared
and I slung things and slammed cabinets
and Joy didn’t understand.

But, it was more than just about the race
it was about
my heart.

 Like Jesus spoke in parables, paralleling the spiritual and physical worlds, God convicts and teaches me through similar daily events.

This was the second reminder from God, of late, that my “I got this” attitude isn’t His desire.
I say with my mouth and think with my head
that I believe with my heart that I am allowing
Him to be the strength 

that directs, enables and equips me.
But, when the truth is exposed
and the exterior is pulled away ….
when the inner workings are revealed,
when the really tough situations arise
my “I got this” set jaw is stronger than my “Lord, help me” cry … every time.
And the crazy thing? I don’t even seem to be aware of the need
to cry “Lord, help me!”

So, maybe that’s the point. I need to LIVE there …
not just cry out when things get tough. 
I want to free fall. I want to jump off the ledge … with both feet.
I want to let go of the tether that holds me to anything
other than Him
and .. J{US}T .. hold onto Him.
But, I’m just not sure that I know how.

So, there ya have it. Me … talking about how God
has once again shown me
that I just don’t cut it.
I’m so thankful that He loves us enough
to never, ever give up.
Praise Him.

Now, if you’ll excuse me
I need to go run. *wink*


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