I’m SO tired of living here

i’m so tired of living “here” …
in fear.

Everyone who is mentally healthy has fears. Having fear is natural and, in many ways, good for us.  Fear keeps us from making mistakes that can harm us. Most fears, it seems, are learned. We aren’t born knowing not to touch the hot eye of a stove. We learn it through the pain of experience. We learn not to step off a cliff … possibly by simply tripping off a curb. And we learn not to show people our hearts …. through the experience of being ridiculed or rejected by someone who got to peek inside to our tender, real places.

Once I became single again, I was free to relax and be myself again ….
… the full-of-life, whimsical, untraditional, spontaneous, creative person that I am.
After twenty-five years of  “submissive wife” and “patriarchy”  indoctrination from the church,
it has been a very, very, very slow turning around.

But, last year, I began to notice
that when someone asked, “Why don’t you __________________?” …
I often answered with a statement that began, “Because I am afraid that _________________.”

And then I noticed that my fears
were almost always “fear of what someone will say or think about me.”
No. More accurately, they were a.l.w.a.y.s fear of what someone would say or think.

I began to realize just how paralyzed I live my life.

And God began to put one reminder after another
in front of me in a way that
I could.not.miss.

There were bumper stickers put into my line of vision.

Be not afraid - bumper sticker

There were craft magazine articles ….

Graphics from a crafting magazine

 

and a woman’s magazine at the dentist office.

 

Ladies Home Journal Magazine

Ladies Home Journal said it clearly:
“Fear is your real enemy.”

Fear is your real Enemy

 

The tag inside a gorgeous, earthen paisley shirt whispered  … “no fear”  … mounted to wings.

No Fear - label in a paisley shirt

There are a F.E.W words that my mind can.not remember how to spell. I spelled “calendar” with an “er” for decades! I still can’t tell you with confidence if vacuum has a single or a double letter c or u.  And the word afraid …. looks better with two of the letters t. But, to help me remember, I wrote it on my mirror well over a year ago (you can tell that it’s been a while because my mirror is dirty in that corner!) The word afraid has one f. To help me remember,  I made a note that “the ‘f’ is alone.”  Spelling trick for the word afraid

Alone.
That appears to be the root of my fears: rejection.
So, I try to appease …
to please …
and often that means being someone I’m not
in order to make someone else happy.

I want to dig deep on this subject
because it literally
steers my life.

How about you?
What do you fear?
And why?

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5 thoughts on “I’m SO tired of living here

  1. Oh friend how I think we sometimes wander the same thoughts through different paths. I am writing on this very thing, afraid. I have to wait and get permission to use someone else’s words before I can post it, but I will message you with it. You bless me. Always.

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  2. When we live in fear the way a fish lives in water, we hardly notice until the “water level” goes down. Then it becomes apparent how fearful we really are. “Feel the fear and do it anyway” is a good book on the subject, and my motto lately.

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  3. Helen,
    I bought that book eons ago. DECADES, I tell you. I read portions, but not the whole book. I think I knew that I struggled, but the light is just truly shining bright enough lately for me to see how strong a hold this thing has had upon me.
    I love your analogy of fish in water. Very true.
    – |<@ren

    Like

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