I’m getting better at this. *claps in support of self*

Let me offer a little back ground on the setting:

Glory’s first experience of living on her own was that of living with two sisters, Bethany and Brittany.  I told the story here in July of 2010.

Glory and Bethany worked together at a local seafood house for quite some time. With cinder block walls, cement floors and messages covering every spot of picnic table or wall that the building has to offer, the place LOOKS like a dive. And it’s amazing. The cooks begin the morning peeling fresh potatoes for a day of frying. They serve all sorts of boiled or fried seafood and don’t even have a single real serving dish on the premises. A pound of crab legs is served on a plastic lid of a 5-gallon bucket. Food is served on paper plates. Paper towels are on the picnic tables and used for cleaning spills and wiping butter-dripped fingers. Beverages are served in clear solo cups.  The price is low and dining is “beyond casual,” the most appropriately fitting restaurant tagline in our town.

Snapchat from Glory when she ran into Bethany at Target

Bethany and Glory forged a friendship in the crazy that is Rhinehart’s type of every-day-busy. While the room-mate arrangement dissolved as the girls went in different directions, their friendship still remains strong. And of all the places that Bethany could be moving after her marriage, her new husband has landed a job in Dallas – the same city where Glory now resides.

Nosalik Wedding

Sometime over the last year or two, Bethany fell for an awesome guy named Josh. Bethany is a softball-playing, blanket-fort-and-color-crayon kind of girl. Glory affectionately calls Bethany her “Five-year-old-best-friend.” The girls saw themselves in the movie Despicable Me so I gave them crayons and coloring books for Christmas this past year.  For the bachelorette party, the girls planned a laser tag outing. Bethany is about as casual and laid back as a girl can be. Glory tells me that Josh is a male version of Bethany. They are well-suited for each other.

So, the fifteen hour distance that is now theirs since Glory has moved to Texas made no difference when it came time for a wedding. I picked up Glory at the airport at 11:00am and we drove the hour to a little country church in Sharon, Georgia for the 2:00pm ceremony.

Sweet little cowboy boots on the flower girl

The church is nestled in a covering of elderly trees.
Mushrooms in dozens of different varieties speckled the church grounds.
I was thoroughly enthralled. MushroomWe got there early enough that I began snapping photos
as I meandered inside.
Wooden planks floored the building and leaded panes of glass filled the sashes.

And that little flower girl? Her dress wasn’t decorated with flowers ….
her sweet tulle skirt was f.i.l.l.e.d with them! How precious!

Flower girl

Before we even sat down, I was overwhelmed with emotion.

At some point …. just  before this happened ….

Josh, Bethany and Glory
Glory teasingly … and seriously told me, “You need to calm down.”
Keep in mind, NOBODY else would have thought anything about my behavior.
I wasn’t loud. I didn’t have out my big camera. I wasn’t even crying.
But, she knew I was moved.
In that split second  …
I did that thing that I do.
I felt myself stuff my emotions …. forcefully smash them down and try to be “small.”
I felt the “click” inside that said, “Be small. Make yourself invisible.”
“I’m sorry, ” I said ….
and I remembered this Pantene video
(that, yes, it still makes me cry every time I watch it):

Just as quickly as I said, “I’m sorry,”
I turned back to her and gave her that ruffled-brow look and said,
“No I’m not. I’m not sorry.”
And I think she knew …. it was a good thing …
and a very small, itsy-tiny little …. HUMONGOUS thing!

I love Danielle Laporte’s TruthBomb

“You will always be too much for someone. Be yourself anyway. “

I’ve spent a good bit of my life with people who have smaller, more timid personalities.
They don’t want to be noticed and they don’t want to be singled out.
They were people-pleasers who didn’t want to be “different” from others.

Trying to fit in … to be like others … to NOT be different
is counterintuitive to every person who walks on this earth.
We are all individuals. We are unique and intricately original.
I’ve wasted much too much time and energy trying to keep the person beside me
while he or she also worked really hard to be invisible …
and it is exhausting.

In my heart of hearts … I just want to be me.
Each day, I see a little more clearly
the ways that I have learned to hide, stuff and smother my originality.
And each day, I become a little more brave to be  …. myself.

Right after my exchange with Glory, Bethany’s dad walked her down the aisle
and we watched Josh and Bethany make the vow of a lifetime.

Bethany, Josh and Glory

And in that cool afternoon
both Bethany and I
moved one step closer
to a new life. IMG_4415

What areas do you struggle?
Do you try to “be small” to please those around you?
Do you catch yourself saying “I’m sorry?”
What changes are you making to reclaim that part of you that you have lost?

One thought on “#SorryNotSorry

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