Young, dry wit

My youngest has a way with words. Like her older brother, she has a quick, dry wit that often stings, and is almost always humorous. Her quick retorts keep me laughing. The last two years, I have tapped her words into my keyboard and posted them as Facebook status updates. I keep a running list of the updates that reference her and thought I would share some of those here.


– On the way home from school, the ten-year old dare-devil, Joy, says, “Hey, Mom. Will you buy me some throwing knives.” (Yes, she means the kind from ninja movies or magic acts) I B.E.L.L.Y LAUGHED …. LOUD. She yells, “WHAT? ….. James has some!!!!”
Yes, he does. And he’s 20 years old.  (5/7/10)

– “We can’t leave for school yet. I’m having a ‘white sock’ emergency” – spoken by Joy, as she dug through clean laundry
trying to find the required type and color of clothing to take to school for gym.” (Wed/ 6:45am on 9/8/11)

– We were trying to cut down a dead tree in our front yard. Glory & I are holding onto the jump rope tied about 15′ up the trunk.
Joy wouldn’t be quiet so we made her go sit down on the sidewalk … away from us.  She was holding Glory’s phone and looked like she was texting someone.
Glory asked, “Who are you texting?” “Nobody.” She replied. “I’m trying to put ‘911’ into the contacts so I’m ready.” (5/23/10)

– Yesterday, we had tabouleh, grilled asparagus and steak for lunch. At dinner, I offered Joy a less labor-intensive meal of a grilled cheese sandwich.
She said, “With ALL the foods in the world, I think we should be able to eat something different at every single meal for life.
I get tired of eating THE SAME THING.”
The last time I cooked a grilled cheese sandwich was the DEAD of WINTER …. six months ago.
I told her to come up with a menu and SHE can start cooking. (5/25/10)

 

– This morn, Joy was telling me this whole detailed story about how to make a flame thrower out of a bic lighter.
I said, “You’re TEN. Where’d you learn that???” “On Youtube.” I said, “Joy, THAT’S why you don’t need to be surfing Youtube.
I don’t even want you hanging out with FRIENDS that know that kinda stuff, much less watching instructional videos.”
She glibly retorts, “Well, there go all MY friends.” (6/20/10)

– Joy looks at my mouth wound with a flashlight and says quite cheerfully
“At least your WHOLE BODY doesn’t look like a ZOMBIE” (Tues, 6/29, 2010 … after I had surgery on my mouth)

– As Joy ate a large bowl – and the LAST of  the fresh strawberries topped with fresh whipped cream this morn,
James asked her for ‘JUST ONE …. ONE …. one OR TWO….. strawberries ….. just a bite…. puhlllleeezzz???”
She turned her back to him, protecting the bowl from him and told him firmly, “GET YOUR OWN BOX.” (Wed, 7/21/10)

– Joy & I are out shopping today and she’s giving me all the reasons (again) that we need a new van.
This time she includes that people stare at us because our van is ghetto (which it isn’t).
Then she says with heavy wit, “Welp ….. at least we don’t ever have to worry about getting carjacked.”  (July 30, 2010)

– First week of school kept us busy. Joy’s clothes have accumulated all over her floor. I knock on her door a moment ago and say,
“Hey. You need to clean your room, girl. That floor’s a mess.” Her reply, “What floor? I don’t see a floor.”  (Sat 8/14/10)

– I told Joy to get off the computer because she had been playing some stupid game for a good hour or two. She corrected me,
“Oh, no …. I was watching Youtube videos for cheats on the game for a while.” lol   (Thurs 9/2/10)

– “Wake UP, Boo!!” She sits up, grumbles and falls face first into her pillow.
” I want to go back to sleep. I was dreaming I was a millionaire, because I invented waffles.” 

Later she got up and told me that Obama had eaten one of the waffles from her factory, died and she was big trouble.
The waffle had a roach in it and it killed him. She said she was worried about Obama dying and was sad that she lost her millions,
but she knew they could never take from her the fact that she was the “Inventor of the Waffle.”  (Thursday, 9/9/10)

– ‎”Smart and wise are two COMPLETELY different things.” Words from the mouth of a babe. At ten, she knows more than some adults.  (Fri 9/10/10)

– Joy walks in from school on a Friday afternoon, drops her book bag and swings her arms into the air and swoons as she spins in circles. “Oh, Mom! It smells like the weekend!”  (Fri, 91/10)

– Our dog is nutty.  She doesn’t want to go outside to go potty …. unless you ACCOMPANY her down the stairs … because she’s afraid she’s going to be LEFT outside ALONE. *gasp* So, walk in with her … barreling up the stairs, across the deck and into the house.  I get inside and say, “Our dog is crazy.”  Joy replies, “We found her on the side of the road, Mom.  What do you expect?” lol   (Sat 10/2/10)

– I hear her Nickelodeon alarm clock trumpet reveille across her bunk beds and stuffed animals. Her pre-teen feet hit the floor as she scurries to turn down the racket. “Joy!! Joy!!!,” I yell with enthusiasm from my bedroom chair ..  my head thrown back to propel my voice through sheet rock, fingers still above the keyboard. “Joy! I love you! YOU.MAKE.ME.SMILE!!!” She moans back to me, “You should.” I laugh.  (Fri 10/15/10)

– Joy informed me this morning that she thinks she has agoraphobia … specifically, the fear of “wide, open, clean spaces.”  I queried, “Oh, really? What makes you think that?”  She replied, “I know you’re gonna think this is nuts, but I think that’s why I don’t like to clean my room … because then it’s a “wide, open, clean space” and it bothers me.”  (Thursday 10/28/10)

– Me to Joy: I need to go jump in the shower.  I can’t go to school with my hair looking like this! Joy’s reply:  “Don’t worry about it, Mama.  Your hair will look just as crazy when you finish with it as it does right now.” Thanks, Darlin’.  (Tues Dec 7, 2010)

– Just home from school, Joy is rummaging through the pantry and fridge. She mumbles under her breath, “We don’t even have any junk food in this house.  This is sad….so sad.”  Thursday, Dec 9, 2010

– Joy walks out into the living room every morning upon waking with an elaborate dream story to tell.  She proceeds to tell me of the plan of the aliens to take over the world, she was the last one left on the planet. The stars weren’t really stars; each one was a UFO. She matter-of-factly tells me, “You can’t possibly have as much fun sleeping as I do.” She may very well be right.  (Tuesday, 12/21/10)

– The dog is on the porch whining … because it’s getting dark and she freaks out when she’s outside at night. Joy just asked, “Is there such a thing as a puppy psychiatrist? We really need some money for dog counseling.” (Wed 12/22/10)

– I found a list of Joy’s (she’s a list maker) It is headed: How to be a better daughter (don’t know if she wrote these or just copied them) #6 Wear small patterns in your clothing so as not to anger parents. (Sat 1/8/11)

– Epic dream #147:  “Mom. I had a crazy dream last night.  I was on a bus going to Disney World with my class and Lil Wayne was with us …. only we found out later that the guy looked like Lil Wayne but it was really Snoop Dogg and we were really going to DESK World, not Disney World.  We got there, and it was just one BIG office. It was really a disappointment!”   (Sun 1/16/11)

 

– Black tights & (mostly) white dalmatian don’t work well…. so, Joy grabbed the lint roller as we walked out the door to church. Getting out of the van after we got home, she left the lint roller on the front seat. I reprimanded her (in a teasing manner) and told her, with a head cock and a finger snap, “Girrrr, you better PUT that lint roller UP!” She promptly stuck it up on the ceiling and said, “There. It’s up.” LOL I love that girl. (Sun, 1/30/11)

– Never eat gas station sushi.  (Fri, 2/11/11)

– While we ate dinner, “Did you know, if you put head phones into your nose, you can open your mouth and the sound comes through your sinus’ cavity and out your mouth?”  (Thurs, 2/24/11)

– Joy says, “Let me get this straight. I struggle through thirteen years of elementary and high school, then go to college for four to eight years or more, then I get a job and work my the rest of my life until I retire. Then I have fifteen years to have fun … but my bones are crumbling and brittle so I can’t do anything fun or I’ll get hurt. Then I die. *sigh* Great.”   (Tue 9/9/11)

– Joy says to me, “It’s all your fault I’m a dork, because you’re the biggest dork I know.” WAIT! Did she just blame ME because SHE’S a dork? *rolls eye**  (Wed 7/10/12)

– The last two she wrote and posted in her Facebook status update.
She is now officially old enough to have her own account.

– All school text books smell the same.
Math books smell like Axe cologne.
Science books smell like dirt.
English books smell like dead flowers.
Social Studies and History books smell like nursing homes. (Sun 9/23/12)

– “” if you didn’t like your home, i would build you your own world. i would build you a castle. and hire five thousand guards to protect you. i would have a bed carved of the finest redwood and a mattress sewn from the softest tuft of cloud able to be harnessed. i would write you a symphony and hire an orchestra of the finest musicians. i would have them play you to sleep every night. i would hire you your own personal five-star chef, so that i could bring you breakfast in bed every morning. i would hire the finest seamstress to sew you a dress made of phoenix feathers and unicorn fur to wear to our royal ball. if you were lost, i would run to the end of the earth to find you, and if i didn’t find you, i would jump. from the edge of the earth. because if i had to live without you, i would rather not live at all. i think what i’m trying to say is i love you.”  (Tues 9/25/12)

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