She and I

She and I …. my oldest Glory girl ….
we sat there in the front yard, lush grass against our thighs,
her beautiful smile warming my night.
I guess I got to steal her away from customers at the restaurant,
shopping with friends, kayak football and a boyfriend that blesses her for
a solid hour of constant talk and perpetual listening.
It was sweet …
tender, gentle, bliss
and r.a.r.e.

We watched a toad find his way out of his little toady daytime hiding hole
and hop across the yard and I told her I’m thankful that she’s not a girly-girl.
She agreed. Life would be so much less fun that way.
She can shoot a gun, paddle her own kayak, primitive camp
and still twirl in the most beautiful circle of a summer dress ….
her light brown strands brushing her shoulder
shimmery, shiny and smooth.

We ramble on …
she’s moving and excited. She’s going on a birthday trip to the mountains. Her boyfriend wears Georgia boots to the beach with his jeans and she doesn’t care that he’s the only one NOT in khaki shorts and flip-flops. She just got her car out of the shop and now owes two months rent for its repair. We cover a menagerie of topics.
I tell her about my upcoming trip to South Georgia, touching down in Florida and an exciting fossil hunting kayak trip planned soon, as well. I talk about my zipline trip, my sweet grocery hauler and the fresh pink splash in my hair.

We talk about her wonderful boyfriend and all of his grand goodness.
She confides again that she worries about me and doesn’t want to see me alone
for the rest of my life.
I concede.
And I wonder how this can be? Will it be this way? Do I interpret His Holy Word properly?

Some think so …. some think not.

How can I NOT spend my life-giving to someone?
…. doing for him?
…. loving him?
…. finding ways to please and bless and enrich his life?
Is this really how it is to be?
When this is what I feel best built and equipped to do?
Serve? Love? Pour myself out?

Then I remember His Word and think I have some understanding of the principle
behind the verses.
Remarriage is a form adultery
putting one love above a first love
an original promise.
Am I right? Is this it?
This is hard … intensely, powerfully difficult.

Is salvation lost by this adultery?
Of course, not.

sooooo ….
where is the risk?
what am I forfeiting?
fewer “jewels in my crown” in heaven?
fewer “rewards?”

I certainly do not know. I don’t understand.
I don’t have answers
and I don’t know whom to ask my questions.

She tears up and shares how she misses her daddy. “I was his little girl. How could he do this?”
The pain is not gone. She misses him … who we were … as a family.
And I understand.
And I do, too.

I saw a friend’s beautiful photo on Facebook. She was standing among a circle of family; her husband, two beautiful daughters and handsome son. The five of them stood with smiles and I was struck by the fact that I would never, ever have that again. There will never be another family photo. There will never be a family trip. There will never be a family meal, holiday or celebration. ever. *gulps*

And I mourn.
still.
Comedy has told Glory,
“Your mom needs to move on.”
Sometimes I just don’t know HOW to move on.
Because I don’t know where I am allowed to go.
I wonder; is this it? Am I there?
Because I feel incomplete.
And it is difficult.

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